EXPLORE.

Saturday, July 1, 2017

We Have A Move In Date


It's currently six in the morning on a Saturday and I'm waiting for my first shoot of the day to come by. Today's going to be exciting. We're climbing to a location and it's going to be more of the kind of photography I've been wanting to do lately so I'm actually in a good mood this morning.

I don't think the reality of this week has hit me just yet but to sum things up, Monday we found out that we weren't accepted to either of the condos we'd applied to. Tuesday was melancholy and seemed hopeless. Wednesday we opted to decide to go look at an apartment building in town that had a few places available as we hadn't really considered complexes yet. That same day we applied for an apartment and were declined. Ahhh, the time between Wednesday night and Thursday morning was probably one of the most anxious of my life. The apartment building offices opened at 9:30 and after calling them a handful of times at 9:30 on the dot, we had a meeting that afternoon. Apparently something went wrong with the online portal and we were accepted. So suddenly Shay and I were looking at a lease agreement and we have a move in date. 

July 25th. That's exactly twenty-five days from today and I don't know what to think about everything. We got a place but it also happened super fast and sometimes when things go that way, I worry that we didn't think things over enough. 

Here's my thought stream: 
Did we settle for a place because we weren't getting accepted to anywhere else? Should we have kept looking? We wanted a two bedroom and now have a one. The rent doesn't include utilities and wifi and hidden fees; will we survive? Is our relationship going to be different? 

Two years ago I moved into this place, my place and it's been my safety zone. I love it here. It felt like the first place no one could kick me out of. I was never unwanted in a place I paid alone. It's small and falling apart but if anything ever happened, I knew I'd have a room to at least sleep in. Is it scary moving in with Shay? No. We've practically lived together for two years now. We've never had to run away to sleep at a different places but we always had the option to. 

So there's a lot of thinking going on. There's a lot of anxiety and preparation and I just want to start packing up and getting all this over with. I'm excited, I'm happy we found somewhere and I'm relieved that we'll have a place for both of our things for once. We have a garage to work out in, we have a bedroom to close the door to and we have a huge kitchen that I've always wanted. We also don't have a couch or a table or chairs and we have two mattresses and two kittens. What an insane series of days and this month is only going to be crazier but honestly, I'm moving in with my best friend.

I'm moving in with the man of my dreams. I still feel so much for one person and it's never a settling feeling, there's always more to us. There's always new things I notice or experience or breathe and he's always making me realise how easy and beautiful it is with us. 

So yes, it'll be goodbye to my little small place off the side of the road but it's also hello to the new beginning and our real first place. I wonder what next week is going to be like. 

T minus Twenty Five Days. 
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Tuesday, June 27, 2017

So We Didn't Get Accepted.


Yesterday and the rest of this weekend were hard. I have to admit I'm probably the absolute worst person at waiting for a reply to something. It felt like I couldn't focus on anything all day yesterday and I was stuck refreshing my email every few minutes desperately. 
At around nine p.m. last night, I finally got an email telling us the condo we applied for went with someone else. The second condo we applied for is off the market now and never replied back so it's a fair assumption to say we weren't accepted there either. 
It's stressful, this whole search and it sucks because you can't really get too attached to any one place because even if you like a home and can see yourself living in it, the application process takes another few weeks and then in the end you may not even get accepted. I had dreams about that place; coming home and walking inside and feeling at peace. 
Shay was kind. He saw how crazy I get with waiting games and just hugged me a lot yesterday. We're affectionate but some days he'll gently throw in a few more gazes or hand holds or hugs and it feels like he's giving me something I didn't even know I needed.
We had to take Monday off from working because of a doctor's appointment so technically today is the beginning of my week. I'm home alone now with the kittens and the quiet and I'm antsy. I probably won't relax until all of this is sorted again. I have a hard time getting comfy somewhere I know I might not stay so it feels like I'm living one foot in the door lately and one foot out. I love decorating our space and taking care of it too but it's hard to focus on making this place feel like home when we're looking for somewhere new. 
I'm antsy and anxious and can't figure out if I'm sad or just mad so I'm flustered and worried. I'll have a wave of needing to get shit done soon and we'll go back out on the hunt, until then I'll lay here and think about those two places and how we're not going to live in either one. 

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Saturday, June 24, 2017

The Waiting Game


It's really just a waiting game now. Both our broker and the private owned little house told us they'd have an answer by Monday and so therefore we wait. Some of our talks are over new decor and how we don't own a couch but they're filled with little bubbles of hope and excitement to decorate either space. We babble about the pros and cons and giddily plan out having an office and a music room. The other half of our talks are edged with worry. Are we going to have to keep looking? Will anyone accept us? Is this even the right decision or the right time? It's all emotional.

 Emotional dialect.

It's still not Monday. 
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Friday, June 23, 2017

Friday.


It's Friday and midday. I should be editing or working or doing something productive but instead I'm feeling weak and my gut feels deep and hollow. Anxiety is bizarre the way it feels inside your head. I had a lot of coffee today, that never really helps. We applied for two places this week and it's hard. We're not ideal candidates, not ideal adults. Shay and I talk about it often; how when you're fourteen you figure by the time you're twenty-two the world will seem easy and you'll really know about a thing or two. Every year I get older the only thing I'm learning is that I haven't actually learned a thing at all. 
I gravitate towards negativity. If you give me a scenario that is left up in the air, I will always sway to the worst ways. I'm anxious about not being able to find a place and I'm really bothered by not having a hair tie to hold my hair out of my face. Do little things ever get to you? Like how am I meant to afford a two bedroom condo when I don't even own a second mug for goodness sake? 
Don't know why I've been so nervous every day. I'm waiting for something, anxious and anticipating but nothing is coming up; nothing is set to play but I'm nervous. Scrambled. 
I really hate waiting for things to happen, giving a situation some control. I used to write about being in control and then realised there's a lot I truly avoid and sweep under the rug. 
Something feels sad. 
It's a wave. Some days I wish my life wasn't an ocean. It's just Friday. 
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